I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
