Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
