Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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