Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
