When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
