my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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