I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
