I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
