Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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