Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
