Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
