I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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