My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
