I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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