I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
