I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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