Redeem this text for a blowjob
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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