I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
