I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
