Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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