You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
