how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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