She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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