have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
