Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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