My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
