you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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