i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
