If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
