That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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