It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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