dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I need a beard to bite.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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