We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
