I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
