hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
