I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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