I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
