She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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