if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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