Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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