I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
