i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
