I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
