im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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