Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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