Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
