I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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