my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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