I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Text me some of your sweat
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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