He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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