Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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